The Second Annual Best and Worst
Advertising Awards (1996)
by John Eberhard

A year ago I wrote the 1st Annual "Best and Worst Advertising Awards," naming the best and worst of ads from the previous year. Well that was my most widely commented upon article ever. People told me they agreed, disagreed, loved this ad, hated that one, etc. Some people got really passionate about it. I decided I had to write another installment.

As with last year, we will count down, David Letterman fashion.

10. Office Max Tri-Max Super Center. The commercials say "We carry thousands of office products at discount prices, plus office furniture, and a full service copy center. It's like nothing you've ever seen before!" Every time I hear this I think "Uh... yes I have seen something like that before.. like maybe Office Depot and Staples?!?"

9. Packard Bell, Go Home. This computer company ran some ads showing some sort of city that looked like something out of "Blade Runner", with some wierd tower with these heads coming out of it, then you cut away to some idyllic looking yard, then you go in through the window and see the computer. Then the headline "Go Home!" I guess I get it - they want me to telecommute and work at home. But what's up with that tower and the heads anyway?

8. Men's Warehouse. Is it just me, or does George Zimmer, spouting advertising slogans while talking to his staff (I guarantee it!), bug you too? The worst is that commercial where he says you can have the customer buy a suit, and he can wear it with a regular shirt and tie, and also with a casual shirt for a more "hip" look. My wife says George wouldn't know "hip" if it smacked him in the face.

7. Mystery Campaigns. There has been a rash of "mystery" ad campaigns lately. This is where they put up a billboard or something, that makes no sense and doesn't deliver a full message. Then over the next few weeks they add other stuff to the billboard and finally a month later you get the idea. Lately we have seen these from L.A. Cellular, Miller Beer, Nissan, and a new one that says just "Who What Where When". Advertising texts tell you that these don't work. The public's attention span isn't that long.

6. Calvin Klein's Obsession. See "heroin chic" below. Why are perfume commercials always so weird? Is it an unwritten law somewhere? (Have you seen the Boston Market's ad spoofing this whole thing? After the half-dead girl says "I feel a yearning from within," the guy's head pops up and says "Here's a tip - eat something!")

5. Clothestime - Transvestite. This commercial showed a woman in her apartment, getting dressed. She's mad about something, throwing things around. Then the phone rings, she answers it, and says "Yeah this is Mark," in a man's voice. And you realize - it's a guy! Then the voiceover says "If we can make Mark look this good, imagine what we can do for you - Clothestime." What bugged me was that it presented this in such a way as to say that a man dressing up like a woman was just a normal, everyday occurence. I say it's not, and I even called to tell them so.

4. 1-800-COLLECT. Lately we're seeing big competition for the collect calling buck, from 1-800-COLLECT (MCI) and 1-800-CALL-ATT. Seems like they're missing one point though, which is - who calls collect? Am I missing something here? When was the last time you called collect? For me, it was when I was in college, before they invented calling cards. I thought it was considered tacky to call collect.

3. Nissan: "Enjoy the Ride." Nissan started out their current campaign with some yellow postcards that didn't even say the company's name and gave no clue that they were from Nissan. The first piece said "When life gives you lemonade, use the drink holder." Nothing else. The next one said "Drive happy." Finally the 3rd or 4th piece told me it was from Nissan. The first two ended up on my wall in the "Hall of Shame", i.e. the worst promo pieces of the year. Some of the current TV ads are pretty good but overall the campaign lacks focus.

2. "Heroin Chic". You won't believe this. There is a new fashion and advertising style called "heroin chic", with models that are strung out on heroin. You may have seen them in print advertising, fashion pictorials, and now in perfume commercials, with the girl decked out in million dollar duds but with dark, sunken eyes, looking like she's about to commit suicide. There is a big bru-ha-ha brewing about this, with sensible people saying this sets a horrible example and promotes drug abuse, and the "fashion" types saying it is "free speech". I'm with the sensible ones.

1. Carl's Jr.: "If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face." I gave these guys the #1 worst award last year, and this year Carl's has again plumbed the depths of tastelessness. They started off the year with radio ads saying they had heard that some people didn't like their ads (Did they read my articles?), and then told me to go back to watching PBS, and go instead to McDonalds, where I won't hear anyone burp because of all the screaming kids. In less than a minute they offended me, parents (that's a large group), and people who watch PBS. I have a better slogan for them - "If you don't want it all over your face, you don't belong in this place!"

10. Budweiser Beer - Born-on-dating. The guy calls up saying his party is dying, he got some skank (old, flat tasting) beer. The Budweiser guy rushes over and brings fresh Bud beer, proven fresh because it has the "born-on-date" on the can.

9. Baked Lays, Model Babes. These ads show Cyndy Crawford (she's everywhere), Claudia Schiffer, Kathy Ireland, and other famous super-models, sittting around, pigging out on Baked Lays. Then they tell you that Baked Lays are low in fat, etc., and you really get the idea that you can eat a ton of them and still look as great as these girls do. Course, you gotta look that good in the first place.

8. Pepsi, Generation Next. How about the ad where Cindy Crawford and pal girls are walking through the maternity ward, waving to the new babies? The baby sees the girl holding a can of Pepsi and gets all exicted. Or the one where the guy is out in the middle of nowhere, trying over and over to get his dollar into the Pepsi machine. Finally it goes in, but when he presses the Pepsi button it comes out.

7. Coors, Giants in the Mountains. This ad shows these 20-something beautiful people playing volleyball, golf, etc., in the snow in the mountains. But the people themselves are bigger than the mountains. On a subliminal level we are being told that 1) Coors is made with mountain stream water and tastes really fresh, and 2) you can drink beer and still have a body like one of the beautiful people.

6. GM, What if buying other stuff was like buying a car. These guys were also on my best list last year and they're back this year, with ads showing what it would be like if buying lemonade, a horse, a hot dog, pet fish, and other things, was like buying a car. The guy comes out and says "How were you planning on financing this fish?" The whole idea is that at GM you don't have to go through that horrible buying experience, because at GM they have "value pricing".

5. Air Touch Cellular, Rick Boggs. Air Touch has run a very clever campaign using a blind man, Rick Boggs, as their spokesman. One commercial shows him driving a car, then you see he's being towed by a tow-truck. Boggs is really likeable and so is his dog Jake.

4. Glendale Federal Bank. These guys were on my best list last year and they've continued with clever campaigns playing off the public's frustration with the banking industry's trend to increase rates and lower service. The latest has this lady telling how she called up about a strange charge on her bill, and was told she can only call the bank so many times per month, or she gets charged. The lady gets really mad, and finally the bank woman asks if she wants to talk to the supervisor. She replies "Yes I would! But I... can't afford it."

3. Jack-n-the-Box: The kid pulls up to the window and asks to talk to Jack. And they patch him through to Jack's plane. Jack recommends the 99 cent tacos or something, then says "Pay at the first window." Great stuff. The whole Jack campaign is very creative and funny.

2. FedEx: Trashing the Post Office. I have to admire the Post Office for making a solid effort to increase their level of service in recent years. But the recent FedEx campaign is hitting the Post Office right where it hurts, calling them on their silly slogan for Priority Mail: "It'll get there in about 2 or 3 days." The ads have a guy talking to the Post Office clerk, who won't commit to any definite number of days that the package will take to get there.

1. Budweiser Frogs: Recently I learned that these ads were thought up by the son of the Chairman of Miller Brewing (who makes Bud), and that they are responsible for a total rejuvenation in Budweiser amongst young people, and for Miller's stock going up substantially. That's what advertising's all about.

Hope you enjoyed my picks. If you have any comments, email me by clicking on the mailbox at the bottom of this page.

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