by John Eberhard
The last we had seen of our hero Nebula Fred, he had been captured by Googlion forces and interrogated by Googlion Press Secretary Mattius Cuttsemoff.
That exchange, recorded via hidden transmitter and released to the public by Alliance members, showed Cuttsemoff to be smugly and arrogantly threatening Fred with banishment to the remote moon Sandbox, where he would never be able to market anything ever again.
Luckily, Nebula Fred’s intrepid fellow Alliance members staged a daring rescue mission, whisking Fred away from the interrogation room and leaving a small round device near Cuttsemoff’s feet, ticking.
The resulting explosion leveled half of the Googlion detention facility, but Cuttsemoff was able to activate his spatial dimension transporter just micro-seconds before the blast, escaping unscathed. In a strange quirk of fate, all other staff of the detention facility were at lunch at the time, so no Googlion employees were harmed in the staging of this rescue.
During the rescue mission, Alliance members were able to breach the Googlion phaserwalls and download the top secret “Googlion Strategic Plan for the Googlion Sector,” written by Googlion dictator Big Sibling. As a public service we reproduce it in part here.
Googlion Strategic Plan for the Googlion Sector
By Big Sibling
- The organic wormholes must all be closed, or minimally, blocked.
- We must analyze all actions that Galactic Marketing Alliance members are taking in order to create links through organic wormholes to Googlion sector citizens, and change our rules to block every one of those actions. Especially that pesky SEO sect. We have to block everything they do. We will claim that we’re not out to destroy them, and even that we want to work with them, but blocking them completely will destroy them. They must be destroyed because they have dared to game the system.
- On any organic wormholes that we cannot block, we just announce to the public that we have blocked them. Or, we tell people that it is unethical to use them. That way, people will be afraid to use those wormholes.
- All this is geared to forcing Alliance members to the AdWordsial Gateway as the only way to reach Googlion citizens. That way we can increase our revenues two to three-fold. Small Alliance members can’t afford AdWordsial but that is not our concern.
- Buy every company we can think of.
- Send Cuttzemoff out to the conferences and have him demonstrate how we can catch and punish anyone who uses the organic wormholes. Then try to show people what a nice guy he is (ha-ha).
- Capture the more prominent members of the so-called Galactic Marketing Alliance and send them to the Sandbox moon.
- We will decide what companies are allowed to do business in the entire Internetial universe.
- No one can be permitted to game the system. Gaming the system is the worst crime in the known Internetial universe.
Promoteus, the President of the Galactic Marketing Alliance, stated “This top secret Strategic Plan shows the true colors of the Googlion leadership. They are clearly infected with anti-Marketing particles and have been exposed to the radioactive greedium element.”
“But brave members of the Galactic Marketing Alliance are fighting back. They are daring to communicate, daring to market products and services, daring to use the organic wormholes and daring to take actions to improve their rankings in the organic wormholes. We believe that marketing is good for business and the economy and that getting people to buy products or services is good for the Googlion sector and for all sectors of the Internetial universe. We will continue the fight and feel that in the end we will win.”